I am hesitant to write about this. I was even hesitant to speak of it at first. There are times that are so holy, so intimate that it seems words can not really express the experience. But I am sharing this as an encouragement of God’s faithfulness and to those who may think that Jesus doesn’t do this any more. He does.
I had just read some really scary information about how some prescription drugs used for anxiety and depression can cause all sorts of side-effects. Several were stories of people committing suicide, others hearing voices, going mad. Oddly it was in a book about anxiety, which in my opinion would only cause more of it. Apparently the authors felt that every possible outcome of taking prescription medication should be shared. Not that I disagree with that, but the placement could have been better thought out. But let’s return to the moment.
In my state of fear and anxiety I went to lie down and these frightening, actually absolutely terrifying thoughts started coming to my already taxed and weak mind. I thought the medicine that I was taking was about to take over my thoughts and emotions and I suddenly wouldn’t be me anymore. I’d start hearing voices or seeing things. I was just about to work myself into something I wasn’t sure I would recover from. It’s when I closed my eyes this began. It was written out only once, in a text to my husband. And only a hand full of people have heard this because it was such a sacred moment for me personally. Rather than rewrite and risk making any changes that aren’t fresh and authentic, I will share my unpolished yet exact text to my husband from that day:
“The Lord did an amazing thing this morning, John. Romans 8, the Spirit intercedes for us. He intercedes for the Saints according to the will of God. As I read that this morning this is what happened: I closed my eyes and laid down my head. I felt him really intercede and put this protection around my thoughts like a warm blanket and I was just filled with peace and protected. I saw Jesus standing before me. I was not fully awake, but it was also not a dream, I’m not sure what you call this state of being. It was vivid and real. He was saying to the enemy, “this is MY battle, this is MY choice what I will let pass. I AM the one who decides. I won’t let these thoughts come.” And he kept them away. He totally did. The thoughts were coming from outside of me but he stood between them and me. I watched as each thought was stopped as he skillfully wielded his sword like a mighty warrior. The thoughts appeared to come almost like a rock being thrown. His sword blocking them with might and strength. I could feel it happening. They all just lost their power. And to me he was saying, “I will fight for you.” It wasn’t even me fighting the thoughts, it was him keeping them away. He stood before me with a sword drawn. I was just flooded with peace and my mind was quiet and I even fell into a sweet sleep for about an hour. Powerful. This was not something I thought on my own, he came to me. He came to me.” November 8, 2013.
Little did I know this battle had just begun. I had another 19 months before a complete healing would take place. But these particular thoughts never again returned. In his grace and mercy he sent this reminder. He brought himself. It may have been one of the things I would need to keep holding on.