Have you ever had something happen so suddenly, so frightening that you felt this sense of panic? Like if you were to see a toddler wander into the path of an oncoming train. The train is barreling down, no possibility … Continue reading Log #1: In the beginning

Everyone has hard days. Days when they are in a funk. Days when you feel like you just aren’t quite right. I get that. But it had been too many days like that. I was waking up anxious. Usually it dissipated as the day went on. My response was to drag my bible over while still in bed and drink deep until I felt strong enough to get up and get going. That part was a gift of sorts. I would lean into God because I had to. Start my day in the posture of dependence. Usually the day would … Continue reading Log #2: Maybe it’s hormonal

There has been some history of fear in my life. And one thing that was deeply embedded in my mind was the idea of being crazy. Of actually not connecting with reality. I had seen it on the streets of San Francisco. People truly out of their mind. And I had seen it with my own father. I’m still not completely sure what happened with dad, but he had a  time when he, well, was crazy. That’s how I saw it. He had grand illusions, thought he might be Jesus and hallucinated. I guess that’s the same thing, thinking you’re … Continue reading Log #3: Am I going crazy?

After the Prozac proved to be ineffective, we started a journey of trying what felt like everything on the market, virtually becoming investors in the pill business. For anxiety, there was a plethora of options. These drugs are called benzodiazepines. … Continue reading Log #4: Doctors and Drugs

I am hesitant to write about this. I was even hesitant to speak of it at first. There are times that are so holy, so intimate that it seems words can not really express the experience. But I am sharing … Continue reading Log #5: A Visit from Jesus

Never would I have imagined that something so horrible would bring about something so beautiful. I have to say how grateful I am that I had a happy and peaceful upbringing. My husband and I say we never came with … Continue reading Log #6: Mom

It’s amazing how resourceful one becomes when the need is immense. No one gave more than my husband. He devoted hours and hours of his time researching. He never gave up, never made me feel like I was a burden, … Continue reading Log #7: Treatments

Sleep is a gift. A time when your body rejuvenates itself. It repairs and fills itself with energy and all sorts of good things. Lack of sleep causes cognitive issues, memory problems, mood disorders. As things progressed in the wrong … Continue reading Log #8: Sleep

It’s not something I understand even now, but I am happy to say, I’m in good company. There have been many a saint and fellow traveler who have experienced God’s silence. When you cry out and the walls echo. Where … Continue reading Log #9: The silence of God

Mornings were the beginning of my living hell. Eventually I was sleeping. And I really didn’t want to wake up. I had a routine of taking my medication when the first light woke me, it would make me groggy enough … Continue reading Log #10: Morning Routine